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An Open Letter to Mitt
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Healthcare Follies, Part Two
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Hawaiian Strolls
One of my pleasures here on Maui this winter has been a morning stroll down the beach. Rain, shine or howling trade winds I spend a happy hour, winding up at a small grocery to purchase my daily fix of the “Wall Street Journal”. I am hardly alone on these jaunts and, over the course of many weeks, have come to some conclusive observations.
1) Women’s swim suits have become considerably smaller since my life guarding days at Hamburg Town Park on Lake Erie in the late ‘50s. On the other hand, men’s suits have become significantly larger. I have been wondering if this is some previously undiscovered “Law of the Conservation of Fabric”? Men’s suits now extend to the knee and often beyond. As an added piece of coverage you often see guys wearing long sleeved tops. How can you swim wearing all that stuff? Women’s suits do not have much further to go… unless they adopt the French approach and forgo the top altogether or reduce to the Brazilian thong. Obviously, as a human ethologist I take no position on the current state of swim wear design or where the future may lead us. (I took a course in ethology in college and pulled some stomach muscles laughing at my professor, a chunky, bespeckled guy, dressed in a twig embedded sports jacket, string tie and moccasins. He was doing his imitation of the mating dance of the male prairie chicken and didn’t seem to notice when I fell out of my chair.)
I have always chosen to swim in a Speedo and although I have three with me, I am reluctant to take them out of the drawer. I did an ocean swim in one when we first arrived and as I trudged back to my towel, I felt conspicuous, as if the spectators were saying, “Funny, he doesn’t look European.” Back in the room I checked my profile and decided that at 68 maybe it was time to make some concessions to fashion and go with the sea anchor suit instead of the Speedo.
2) On my jaunts I encounter an amazing number of SUV-like strollers and people lugging incredibly young babies. Often the Humvee strollers are loaded with baby gear and the tyke slung in a carrier hanging about Mom or Dad’s neck. In mid-morning it can be pretty hot here and I wonder about these tiny persons wrapped in blankets with a cover over the stroller. It’s probably 100 degrees in there and frying the little nipper’s brain. The larger question: why take a vacation with a newborn?
Even more curious is the couple vacationing with not only the newborn but also two other kids under the age of four. How much fun can that be in a hotel room? And, what will the kids remember of this trip to a tropical paradise? We would never have considered such an expedition when our kids were small. Of course, at that time we could not really afford the kids, much less a vacation to
3) A great number of my fellow amblers cannot seem to part with their electronic pacifiers. Cell phones, of course, either stuck in their face or holstered at the hip ready for a quick draw. You never know when you need to Google something. I passed a young woman going in the opposite direction yesterday. She was shouting into her phone. (Apparently you need to shout to be heard when talking to someone on the mainland.) Having both reversed course, we passed again 20 minutes later. She was still bleating into the phone like a motivational speaker on speed. “Same call?” I wondered.
Speed walkers and joggers all have iPod buds stuck in their ears and wear glazed, determined expressions. It must be some sort of requirement these days to have music blasting in your ears when you exercise. Perhaps it dulls the pain? Occasionally they toss me a dirty glance as they motor through the exhaust fumes of my cigar. I nod and smile in return. “Aloha.”
(Another reason not to wear an iPod while jogging–read this article. -ed.)
I am quite confident my electronically connected compatriots on the foot paths don’t notice the brilliant and varying hues of the ocean: where the coral meets the white sand or where it turns indigo at the drop off. They surely didn’t notice that the waves plunge here where the gradient is steep or break and roll further on where it’s shallow. Most likely they missed the two whales blowing and splashing just beyond that moored sailboat and I know they missed that the old gentleman pushing his wife in the wheelchair was singly softly to her. I doubt they heard the two male cardinals arguing over disputed territory in the kakui trees just beyond the Marriott. Sad really. They might as well be exercising on their treadmill in the basement.
John Adams, it is said, walked every day. He lived to be 90 years old. He died on July 4th in 1826, the exact same day as his friend/rival, Thomas Jefferson. Apparently
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Driving




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Da Bears



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O My Kiss






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Global Warming

For years we were told not to eat butter but instead smear that goop, margarine, on our morning toast. Oops. Years later we are told that margarine contains “trans fats”, lethal to the heart and butter was the better choice all along. Transmission power lines cause cancer? (Or, was it erectile dysfunction? I forget.) Later, of course, we learned that power lines cause poor radio reception and nothing else. The list goes on.
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Tammy Max Image of Profile
The pick-up was certainly a welcome addition to our meager existence. It had experienced better days. For example, it refused to stay in third gear, so Jim, being an engineering student, had attached a chain-spring gizmo to the floor that held the lever in gear, leaving our hands free for more important duties. It was unclear to me then, or now, why Jim thought a dog was a necessary addition to our senior year.
His name was Tammy Max Image of Profile. He possessed that impressive moniker because of his exceptional bloodlines that clearly had not taken intelligence into consideration. I have owned very smart dogs and dumb dogs. Pro, as we called him, slid off the scale on the stupid end of the chart. He was goofy too, like a big dumb teenager. “Big” perhaps did not do him justice. Even for a Great Dane he was huge, being the approximate size (and color) of a mature white tailed deer.
For our senior year five of us had rented a ramshackle house in Collegetown just off the Cornell campus. Jim and I would share the largest bedroom on the second floor. Most of our furniture and wall hangings were constructed from salvaged doors from the boy’s freshman dorms. These hollow, laminates failed to survive the predations of angry and drunk freshman and were being replaced by more substantial solid doors. We bought the cast offs for $.50 and turned them into desks, beds and canvasses for our crude, lewd impressionist art.
In those days, dogs freely roamed the campus. It seemed every one of the sixty or so fraternities, sororities and group housing establishments owned a dog. Rumor had it that an eccentric, dog-loving woman had given the university many millions with the stipulation that dogs be given free reign on campus. Maybe. But, in any case, dogs wandered freely and could be found in the classrooms, the student union and even in the cafeterias. Pro, as we called ol’ Tammy Max, joined these wandering packs of mongrels and pure breeds that roamed the campus.
Pro liked to ride in the truck and preferred to sit in the middle between Jim and me. With his butt on the seat and his feet on the floor, he had his huge muzzle pressed against the windscreen on which he deposited copious amounts of slobber. Like all Great Danes, his greatest skill was drooling. When he took off with his gangly lope, gobs of this goop could be seen flying in all directions.
Squirt guns were the fad of our senior year and squirt gun wars common study breaks. Sneak attacks on our studying roommates also provided a welcome diversion. Pro became a frequent target. He’d be sitting there staring at you so you’d hit him with a couple of shots square in his huge muzzle. He’d just sit there with water running off his nose with a puzzled look on his face. After a while though, it started to really piss him off and he would aggressively go after the transgressor. He became so annoyed by squirt guns that if you made a “tsk, tsk” sound, imitating the noise of a squirt gun, he would awaken from a sound sleep and run around barking, looking for the culprit.
Other than drooling and sleeping, Pro’s greatest skill was farting. Jim fed him scraps from the kitchen where we worked, and the gravy and meat scraps had a profound effect on his digestive system. Of course, with a beast that size you also had quantity as well as potency in his deadly emissions. Jim and I frequently evacuated the room in haste when Pro released one of his silent killers.
Pro had bad timing with this skill. One evening Jim and I were entertaining a couple of young ladies in our room. We were sitting around chatting and drinking very bad, cheap wine while Pro napped in the middle of the room. One of the gals commented on the good looks of the magnificent beast before her. Pro, apparently hearing himself complimented, woke up. He rose up on his toes and then stretched his paws out in front of him, raising his ass in the air, aiming his butt directly at Jim’s date. He then emitted what I called the “fluttering death” fart. It was not silent, but rather had tonal quality to go with volume and potency. One of his better efforts, as I recall. The scramble for the door was reminiscent of the run for the lifeboats and pretty much brought the evenings festivities to a close. Part of the problem may have been that Jim and I beat the girls to the door by a good five feet.
For all his goofiness, the beast did possess a decent sense of smell. When classes let out, hundreds of students would be criss-crossing the quads on their way to the next class. Pro would be romping on the grass with some other mutts while either Jim or I attempted to sneak across. He would stop what he was doing, raise that great head and sniff the air. Gotcha! Catching our scent, he would come bounding over like an overgrown kid. It seemed as if he was saying, “Hey, Dick, howya doin’? Goin’ to class? Chemistry? Boy, I love chemistry class. Great! Let’s go!” He’d bounce around you and there was no getting rid of him. So, off we’d go to class together where he would usually just sleep beside you. Sometimes the professors were exceptionally boring and we’d both catch a little nap.
Occasionally, Pro’s visits to class were not uneventful. On one visit with Jim, Pro fell asleep head down on a sloping auditorium aisle. When class ended, everyone crowed for the exit, Pro at the forefront of the pack. Apparently, the head down position had adversely affected Pro’s touchy digestive system and he deposited a copious quantity of vomit right in the doorway. Students skidded and stumbled through the mess swearing all the way. Jim pretended he didn’t know the dog.
Jim and I both signed up for The History of Western Civilizations, a required class, so plenty of students. Classes were held in an auditorium with a stage containing only a lectern and a blackboard. We called it the “book of the week club” since it seemed that we had to read one each week. The professor may have had a personality, although we never got a chance to find out. He arrived promptly at the top of the hour, opened his notes and spoke for 50 minutes, whereupon he closed his notes and walked out. The book for the week was written on the blackboard. Since he gave no clues as to what would be on the tests, we pretty much wrote down every word out of his mouth.
Pro followed us to history class one day and slept in the aisle. Except for the scratching of pens and the drone of the professor, the place was dead quiet. Jim looked up and Pro had gone. He looked on in horror as Pro ascended the stairs and walked onto the stage. Although he was impossible to ignore, the professor never missed a beat. By now, many students had spotted the dog on the stage. Pro sniffed the blackboard, moved over to the professor and sniffed his twiggy tweed coat. At this point, everyone was watching Pro. He sat down beside the professor, gazed out at the audience and….. gave a huge yawn.
The place erupted in a roar of laughter, for that yawn reflected our collective sentiments of the professor precisely. The prof finally said something that was not contained in his notes, “Get that G.D. dog out of here!” Jim hustled Pro off the stage and out the door while the laughter continued.
Funny, I can’t remember what courses I took that senior year—except history.
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The Price of Gas
With crude prices hovering around $95 per barrel and sticker shock stunning everyone when they pull in to fill up the ol’ SUV, we once again hear politicians moaning about “dependence on foreign oil”. Some of us are old enough (and not yet senile) and can remember hearing this same refrain back in the early 70s when shortages and gas lines at the stations gave the “driving public” which is nearly everyone, a wake up call. So what have our elected leaders done in the last 30+ years since to alleviate our dependence on foreign oil that in large part comes from the historically volatile Middle East? Well, nothing. In most cases they have made things significantly worse.
They have not allowed drilling for oil off our coasts, on public lands in the western US where the government owns most of the land, or in the much discussed Artic National Wildlife Refuge. If this desolate place were more appropriately called the National Artic Wasteland it might be less controversial. Nobody is going to go there willingly and the few caribou that wander through there from time to time could easily be accommodated, but the environmental lobbies have made it their Waterloo. By threatening to withhold their contributions and votes the professional tree huggers have cowed liberal Democrat Senators to continually vote against even looking for oil there. Stupid? Of course. Understandable? Yes. The Democrats know that if they lose the environmentalist vote, the trial lawyers or the Black vote that they will be forever consigned to irrevelance. So screw National interest… getting re-elected is more important.
Unfortunately, preventing even looking for oil at home is not the only anti-energy independence path our politicians have taken. Refusing to swim against the tide of fear and hysteria following the accidents at Chernobyl and Three Mile Island, our leaders have not allowed the construction of a single nuclear power plant in more than a generation. Ignoring the fact that France gets some 70% of its electrical power from nuclear plants with no environmental problems, politicians are afraid to promote its use. Worse, increasingly restrictive air quality regulations have forced many power companies to switch from coal to natural gas and petroleum thereby increasing demand and dependence. If the environmentalists were truly concerned about carbon emissions and global warming they would be actively promoting the building of nuclear power plants and encouraging the utilization of the Yucca Mountain waste repository. That they do not speaks volumes.
As we watch the dollars ring up on the gas pump when filling up we should also keep in mind that our fearless leaders and the “NIMBYs” among us have prevented the construction of a single gasoline refinery for more than a generation. The existing ones operate at full capacity all the time and even a small hiccup causes shortages. A major curve ball was thrown at the industry when Congress caved to the agriculture lobby and recently passed restrictions on the use of chemical additives in gasoline and mandated the use of ethanol instead. Predictably they had ignored the warnings that there were insufficient quantities of ethanol or adequate delivery methods to keep the refineries supplied. The unintended consequences, of course, were shortages and higher prices at the pump.
The environmentalists are quite happy with the current situation. They would be very pleased to see gasoline at $10 per gallon. Then people would stop driving their cars. As my wife so succinctly pointed out, “They want everyone to go back to riding bicycles”. Yes, and they want everyone to live in shacks without electricity and grow their own vegetables. I’ve got no beef with someone who wants to do that, but given today’s urbanized interdependent World, few really want to go there… at least not willingly.
The huge problem with the situation today lies not in the price of a gallon of gasoline but in the strategic dependence on Middle Eastern oil that fuels our economy. Huge amounts of petro-dollars flow into the coffers of despotic Middle Eastern governments who are quite happy to fund increasingly fanatical Islamic movements bent on the destruction of Western Civilization. Most of these governments have no economy save the oil that lies beneath their deserts. Were we not dependant on their contribution to the world oil supply and hence our economic health, we could simply say to Iran “Stop your nuclear develop-ment and funding of terrorist groups or we will shut down your ability to ship oil”. With little impact on our economy we might actually have the balls to do it and their economy would collapse in a matter of months. Regime change would follow without us having to expend our blood and treasure in an armed confrontation with them.
Many Americans would like to believe that withdrawing from Iraq and negotiating with Iran would avoid an eventual nuclear confrontation with radical Islam. This dangerous wishful thinking can lead to disastrous consequences in the future. If, as I predict, the Democrats return to power in ’08 on a “peace” and environmental platform, America will be more dependent on Middle Eastern oil four or eight years later. A nuclear armed Iran and its terrorist surrogates will hold a very powerful gun to the head of the Western World. Should a nuclear exchange or terrorists delivery of nuclear devices render large cities and swaths of America unfit for life of any kind for generations, what will the Serria Club have to say about the plight of the Arctic caribou?
During our long standoff with the Soviet Union we relied on MAD, Mutually Assured Destruction….. you fire missiles at us, we unload on you… end of civilization. No rational human being wanted that. But, we cannot be quite so sanguine about the rationality of the Islamic radicals. People who are quite convinced that heaven awaits those that blow themselves up in a pizza parlor full of women and children cannot be relied upon to pause before blowing up say, New York City, even if we threaten to nuke their entire country. And, they are reasonably certain that if a terrorist supplied by them did it, we’d probably not strike back anyway.
Our only way out of this box is a full-scale oil exploration of the entire North American continent and seacoast. Yes, new technology and alternative means of supplying our energy needs must be developed. But, we can’t wait for the magical arrival of undiscovered technology. New sources of oil must be found in the US, Canada and Mexico. Nuclear power plants must be built without endless delay. In five years we could be free of Middle Eastern oil and the political dynamic would be vastly different. Do we have the will?
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Torture?


I worry about the US 2008 election and the possible victory of another Lily Livered Liberal Democrat. Clinton did nothing in response to terrorist attacks and Jimmy Carter was even worse. If you remember, under Jimmy’s watch the Iranian radicals, led by none other than the current President of Iran, held the US embassy and diplomats for 444 days. They let them go the day Reagan was inaugurated. Seems like there’s a historical lesson in there somewhere.
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